Big Bad Handsome Man
by A Beautiful Beast
Summary: Slightly a songfic. ACAW fluff, still nothing more to say. Anti-Cosmo comes home early from work one day, and what does he find? Read and find out, my dears. Read the authors note FIRST!


**Okay, I know I said I'd have this up sooner, but I was secretly waiting until I got a review on my other story (Ain't Not In Denial). I'm sorry.**

**Since I can't reply via PM to the reviewer, I'm just going to say thanks to TiimyTurner, who reviewed on my other story. Thank you! (Everyone reading this, thank them too. If it weren't for them, this wouldn't be up here and you'd have to wait for someone else to review!)**

**Anyway, I have to request something of you before you read this. LISTEN TO THE SONG 'Big Bad Handsome Man' BY IMELDA MAY. It's amazing, and kinda gives you a clue into what Anti-Wanda sounds like when she sings (I think that because Wanda's voice isn't exactly . . . heavenly, Anti-Wanda's would have to be fantastic. Oh, and it would sound like Imelda May's).**

**Oh! Thanks to invadermay123 and The Malignant Writer for favouriting, too!**

**Seriously. Do it. At least listen to the first minute of it. Pleeeeeaaaassseeeee? For me? Or the love of ACAW?**

**Disclaimer: Don't own show/characters; don't profit. Simple as that. Don't own lyrics either.**

* * *

Anti-Cosmo poofed himself back to his castle after a short day at work, plotting world domination. He had decided to take part of the day off, just because he had been feeling a tad overworked and needed a rest. Glancing around the foyer and seeing no one, he nearly called out a greeting, but something stopped him. Music. He began floating toward the sound, creasing his brow in confusion. _What in the blazes? _

The music lead him up the stairs, and to the door of Anti-Wanda's room. As he was halfway down the hallway, he heard something accompanying the music: singing. Not just any singing, either. _Anti-Wanda's_ singing.

Anti-Cosmo had heard his wife sing once, maybe twice. It was a deliciously melodic sound, and Anti-Cosmo wished she would sing more often. Sadly, the pink-eyed anti-fairy didn't seem to agree that her voice was as nice as he said it was, and Anti-Cosmo was not going to force her to sing, so she didn't sing much. At least, not when he was around.

The British anti-fairy floated closer to the door, and, noticing the door was open a crack, decided it wouldn't do any harm to listen. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, right?

* * *

As the last song ended, and a new one began, Anti-Wanda took the time to glance at the clock. The digital one, of course. The other ones were so hard to read. _2:30. Good,_ the female anti-fairy thought. _I think I have time for at least . . . eight more songs. Yeah, eight. Er, twelve. Yeah, twelve._

Shrugging, Anti-Wanda decided to focus on the song. She heard the first few trumpet notes and let them slip by, waiting until her cue. She loved singing, she really did, but she didn't have the greatest voice. Or so she thought. The cue glided by, and she took a deep breath in.

_"The man is tall, mad, mean, and good-lookin'"_ The anti-fairy began, poofing up a microphone._ "And he's got me in his eye."_ She began to sway; she never could resist this song. She couldn't resist it because . . . well, because it described her and Anti-Cosmo's relationship. She would do anything for him if he asked — with the exception of sing. And he was handsome. And bad. And big. Not fat, but tall. For an anti-fairy, that is.

Her voice always sounded different when she sang, which never failed to confuse her. Sometimes she even forgot she was the one singing! Not with this song though. Never with this song. _"When he looks at me, I go weak at the knees, he's got me going like no other guy."_

She let her voice give way to a dizzying crescendo; no one was here except her, so no one could hear her, right?_ "'Cause he's my big bad handsome man! He's got me in the palm of his hand. He's the Devil Divine, I'm so glad that he's mine; 'cause he's my big bad handsome man!"_ Anti-Wanda closed her eyes, and continued to sway in time with the music.

Letting go of the microphone, she began to twirl about the room as she sang. _"Oh, the music he plays, the way he moves me and sways-"_ she could swear that someone had grabbed her hands and was actually dancing with her, but she shook the thought away. Anti-Cosmo was still at work, and he had made sure that only he and his wife were able to poof to and from the castle. So it was just her imagination.

_"-Rocks me to the core. When he sings in my ear, he makes me shiver and leer, leaves me wanting more and more."_ Her imagination gave her a twirl, and she nearly giggled because it felt so funny with her eyes closed. She didn't, though, because the chorus was coming up, and she loved the chorus.

Letting her voice reach a new loud, she sang her heart out._ "'Cause he's my big bad handsome man! He's got me in the palm of his hand. He's the Devil Divine, I'm so glad that he's mine; 'cause he's my big bad handsome man!"_

The trumpet began its solo, and her imagination gave her a dip. This time she giggled, and let the strange figment pull her into a twirl. She spun, poofing herself into a pair of shiny silver heels and and a black dress that stopped just above her kneecaps.

Her imagination continued to twirl, sway, and dip her as if it was going out of style, and she smiled. She felt so happy, so free. Suddenly, Anti-Wanda had the urge to open her eyes. She didn't though, afraid her imagination would disappear. She could swear she heard a faint humming, but ignored it as she realised the solo was reaching its ending.

_"With his rugged good looks, yeah, he's got me hooked; got me where he wants me to be. With his arms so wide, he pulls me in by his side,"_ Her imagination pulled her close, and Anti-Wanda swore she smelled a faint aroma of cologne._ "He's the kind of guy that does it for me."_

As her imagination twirled her again, she smiled to herself. _Now for the grand finale! "'Cause he's my big bad handsome man, yeah! He's got me in the palm of his hand,"_ She let go of her imagination's hand, and began to dance solo, twisting and turning in a wonderful little dance that was all her own.

_"He's the Devil Divine, I'm so glad that he's mine; 'cause he's my big bad handsome man!"_ Her voice nearly drowned out the sound of the instruments, which were not quiet themselves, but seemed so in comparison to Anti-Wanda.

For the ending of the song, she twirled her way over to the mic. Thankfully, it wasn't on, so her voice stayed the same volume. Sort of. _"Ohhhhh! My big bad handsome man, yeah! He's got me in the palm of his hand. He's the Devil Divine, I'm so glad that he's mine; 'cause he's my big, bad, I'm so glad that he's my big bad handsome man."_ She let her voice deepen at the end, and as soon as she had stopped singing, her imagination grabbed her hand, led her into a dip, and gave her a kiss right on the lips. She smiled and kissed back-

Wait, her_ imagination_ gave her a kiss? She may not have been the smartest anti-fairy around, but she knew that just wasn't possible.

Instantly, her eyes snapped open, and she gave a little shriek of surprise while jumping backwards. Then her cheeks darkened when she saw who was standing in the middle of the room, smiling and looking pleased with himself.

It was none other than her 'big bad handsome man' himself.

Her cheeks were blacker than her husband's tea, and she gaped at him slightly.

"You . . . I . . . uh . . . ya saw that?" She stuttered, still gaping. Her heart thudded in her chest rapidly, and she swore her cheeks would light on fire if they got any hotter. In other words, she was completely mortified.

If it was possible, she was even more mortified after he replied: "_Saw_ it? Darling, I led you in a dance for over half of the song!" He let out a light chuckle.

Anti-Wanda glared down at the floor and mumbled something that Anti-Cosmo couldn't hear.

"Pardon me, darling? I didn't quite catch that."

She glanced up from the floor while maintaining her glare, and fixed her eyes on her husband. "I dun know whether ta slap ya's or kiss ya." She muttered, slightly louder.

"Well, if I may, I'd like to suggest the latter." He grinned cheekily for a moment, but then let his eyes soften. "You don't believe me when I say you have beautiful voice, do you?"

Anti-Wanda narrowed her eyes, and floated up to him with her arms crossed over her chest. "Nuh-uh." She continued to glare at him a moment longer, then suddenly reached up and slapped him across the face.

When her husband had recovered from the shock, and turned to speak to her, she threw her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. At first he didn't respond, but then seemed to regain some of his composure and wrap his arms around her waist. After a few moments of what was just pure and utter bliss, Anti-Cosmo gently pried her away and raised an eyebrow slightly.

"I-I, uh, didn't know if I was supposed'ta kiss ya or slap ya, so I's did both." She pursed her lips and looked down at her feet, embarrassed yet again by her actions. "I's sorry." she timidly looked up at her husband, unsure of what to expect.

To her complete and utter amazement, Anti-Cosmo looked at her incredulously "_You're_ sorry? Darling, that is, without a doubt, _the_ most idiotic thing I've ever heard you say." (He nearly added: "and believe me, you have said some immensely stupid things", but didn't. He's _evil,_ not rude).

Anti-Wanda's timid look turned to one fuelled by fire, and he grabbed her hands just in case she tried to slap him again. "What I mean is, you haven't done a thing wrong." Now it was Anti-Wanda's turn to look incredulous. "_I_ am the one who intruded while you were singing when you had specifically asked me not to, _I_ am the one who didn't alert you to the fact that I was indeed listening, and _I_ am the one who should not even be home right now! So if anyone was deserving of that slap, it is I."

The female of the two couldn't speak for a moment, suddenly realising that her husband just apologised — sort of. Anti-Cosmo didn't apologise. Ever. It just didn't happen.

But here she was, standing in the middle of her room, and he was apologising to her.

He was _such_ a softie.

"Oooh, you's just a big sweetie!" She squealed, all embarrassment and anger forgotten. She wrapped her arms around his middle, and snuggled into his chest. "I love's ya." The southern anti-fairy mumbled into his jacket, letting his scent envelop her. She never really understood how people could 'hear' someone smile when they spoke, but she was absolutely sure he was smiling when he replied (she would've been willing to bet her favourite sandwich on it: bacon, anchovy and lettuce).

"I love you too, my dear." He said, voice slightly muffled by her hair. "So, _so_ very much."

* * *

**D'awww! 1 841 words of pure, blissful fluff (and italics. I sorta went overboard on italics. Sorry 'bout that).**

**On a side note, did anyone but me notice that bacon, anchovy and lettuces' abbriviation is BAT? XD My subconscious must be an anti-fairy.**

**It's probably (pfft, what am I talking about? It _is_) bad form to praise your own work, but I like this. Really. I reaaaalllllly like this. It still didn't turn out how I wanted it to, (but when does that ever actually happen?) but I like - love - it.**

**Now onto the upcoming fanfics! (Let's see if you can figure out the abbriviated names; I doubt it.)**

**(TAV) The one I said that had Cupid and Timmy in it will probably be posted next; I just have to finish and proofread it. It also involves 'painful, love-inducing arrows'.**

**(G) I started to write an angst-y one-shot, but I can't tell you much about it without ruining the plot (if you could say it has a plot). Let's say it feautures ACAW, a mystery character that only I know the idenity of, and a whole lotta tears. Oh, and a letter, too.**

**(TAM) I don't think I'll post this one, as it's eerily close to another ACAW 'fic on here, and I don't want to be accused of stealing an idea. I think that it just somehow wormed its way from my subconscious to my conscious, and I didn't know it. Oh well. It's basically set 10 000 years ago; see if you can figure it out.**

**Can you tell that I love (creating) puzzles yet?**

**This A/N is probably too long already, so I'll just remind you that I require one lowly review to post another story. XD What can I say, I'm desperate and it shows that people are actually reading my stuff. Other than checking the Traffic Stats and seeing that I'm getting views, I can't tell whether or not people are reading.**

**So remember that you can review even if you don't have an account, and it takes only a few seconds to put a smile on my face. No excuses! :)**

**-ABB**


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